As a teenager, I often cried alone in my room. Some days were just like that. But one day was different—I felt someone hugging me. No one else was in the room. It had to be God.
I talked to counselors. They helped, but they didn’t heal me. It was easier for me to pour out the depths of how I was feeling onto paper. When I felt six feet underground, I could see the light up above.
January 27 – Finding a Way Away From the Stampeding Elephants
Soaring through the skies,
under stampeding elephants,
from one moment
to the next.
When I’m under
stampeding elephants,
will I be able
to pull myself back up?
Will I be able to work
my way around
the stampeding elephants?
So many
stampeding elephants!
Please don’t let
these elephants crush me!
I’ll never find a way
away from
the stampeding elephants!
Sun,
please shine your light
on me.
I can barely see you,
in the darkness
of the stampeding elephants.
I’m depending on you, Sun,
to shine your light
on me.
In the darkness of depression, I searched for God’s light.
April 11
Someone help me, please! I’m really hurting inside. Nothing in life matters anymore.
Was this it? Was life just one endless cycle of sadness? I felt drained all the time, frequently sick and dizzy. Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I kept writing. Even when the words were miserable, getting them out of my head and onto paper made them feel less overwhelming.
October 14
God, I know you’re real. While I was praying and reading that book from Bible study, I felt Your presence. It was like You wrapped Your arms around me. I felt loved.
My faith was all over the place—strong one day, barely there the next. But God kept showing up, trying to get my attention.
January 25
That song Jody sang—the one about hiding your soul in Jesus—really touched me. I could see the pain on his face. Maybe I should give my misery to Jesus too.
Wouldn’t it be easier if I did? Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so alone. My parents knew I spent a lot of time in darkness. As I journaled my way through those hopeless months, my mom gave me advice that helped.
Someone Gets It
My mom suggested I read the Psalms, and I started copying them into my journal. I realized I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. David’s words became mixed with mine on the page:
“How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?” – Psalm 13:1-2
King David wrote that. A king. Someone who had everything—wealth, power, an entire kingdom. And yet, he still struggled. I wasn’t alone.
I didn’t feel comfortable at church—I wasn’t perfect, though I thought I had to be. The girls at youth group seemed perfect, but I was outside their clique.
Several years later, I worked up the courage to attend a young adults’ Bible study and found friends I connected with. During the week I’d journal about what we’d discussed—writing out prayers and wrestling with what I’d learned. My journal became a bridge between community and my private time with God.
March 15
God, make me stronger. Give me confidence. Help me figure out what I’m good at. I don’t think I’ve ever taken my relationship with You seriously until now—not just this moment, but these past few weeks.
July 12
I don’t feel sad anymore. Not even just “okay.” I actually feel like smiling because I love Jesus, and He loves me.
Walking with Jesus
That joy didn’t mean the battle was over. But somewhere between those dark March days and this July breakthrough, I made a decision. No matter how bad I felt, I was going to walk with Jesus. I started recognizing those thoughts of worthlessness for what they really were—a spiritual battle. I fought with Scripture, writing verses in my journal that I could use when the desperate thoughts came. I’d write them on index cards to memorize them.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13
God gave me the strength to fight. When my emotions shifted like the wind, I held onto this:
“Truly He is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” – Psalm 62:2
People’s words could hurt, but they couldn’t break me.
“I trust God, so I am not afraid of what people can do to me!” – Psalm 56:4
No one had ever threatened my life, but if they did, I knew where I was going—eternity with Jesus. And when people were mean, I reminded myself: God saw it all. He’s the one who brings justice, not me.
The Battle Continues
I thought overcoming depression meant the battle was over. But several years later, God called me to a Discipleship Training School with Youth with a Mission. It was like spiritual and emotional boot camp. The battle for my mind wasn’t over.
February 8
God, why do I feel like such an outsider? Why do I always feel like I’m too slow? You didn’t answer, but I know it’s my choice to believe these lies or not. One thing’s for sure—I’m never walking away from You.
February 13
I asked God to show me His joy. He showed me children laughing. Then, I felt this overwhelming peace.
I was sitting by a stream listening to the water flow.
February 17
Sitting by the water, I feel God. I get chills. He’s the one who makes the river flow. He flows in it—and in me.
February 18
Liz came up to me during worship. She said God told her that He loves me, that He wants a deeper relationship with me. That He desires me. He doesn’t want me weak or exhausted.
February 19
I asked God what to do with my future. He just said, “Go.” No other details. When I asked what He wanted to tell me right now, He said, “You know I love you.”
February 26
God told me to see Him in everything. I never thought about seeing Him in me.
April 22
God just said He’s pleased with me.
My journal has been with me through every season—the darkest valleys and the mountaintop moments. It’s where I learned to hear God’s voice, and it’s still where I meet Him today.
Journaling Today
I am healed from depression. For about ten years, I have written three things I am thankful to God for near the end of each day. For example, I might write that dance workouts are fun, the leaves on trees in fall are beautiful, and my niece made me laugh. This keeps me joyful in the Lord.
I hope my journey showed you that God wants to hear from you. Perhaps if you pick up your pen, you’ll find His love for you too.
Dear God…
Sources and References:
Bible Gateway. “Psalm 13:1-2, New International Version.” Bible Gateway, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2013%3A1-2&version=NIV.
Bible Gateway. “Philippians 4:13, Easy-to-Read Version.” Bible Gateway, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians%204%3A13%20&version=ERV.
Bible Gateway. “Psalm 62:2, New International Version.” Bible Gateway, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2062%3A2&version=NIV.
Bible Gateway. “Psalm 56, Easy-to-Read Version.” Bible Gateway, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2056&version=ERV.